It was confusing and full of hummus
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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