i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
