just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
