i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
God, I missed his penis.
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