I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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