Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
