Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
