How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
