at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
