Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i just had sex bonerless
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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