I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
