My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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