Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
