i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
