A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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