I wish I could teleport
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
