hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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