I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
