no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
