So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
