Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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