Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
