If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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