I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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