I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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