My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
