Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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