Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
