he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
