Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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