I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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