Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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