i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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