I think I am morally bankrupt
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
