Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
