Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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