why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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