so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
