If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
