wanna go halves on a baby?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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