My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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