At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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