saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
