The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
