she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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