If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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