I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
