you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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