the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
