3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
