i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
