I understand Curling. That high.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
