so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
and you fell through a lawn chair
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
