yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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