I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
