if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
