I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
