There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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