I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
