dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
