Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
