The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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