I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
third nipple confirmed
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
