i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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