pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
